Frozen Dinners
by staceleo
Summary: The epic love between a vampire and a zombie written in three parts for Livieliv79's birthday. Yeah... It's going to be ridiculous.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is silliness in three parts for Livie Liv's birthday. **

**Pre-read by RFM86, Honeybee Meadows and Karenec. Beta magic by mauigirl60.**

**No vampires or zombies harmed in the writing of this fic.**

**If you take this in any way seriously, I'll send the zombies after you.**

**Enjoy! **

Frozen Dinners, Part 1

Jessica Stanley, in all seriousness, should have known better.

Going into a cemetery at midnight was a stupid idea. To give her an ounce of credit, he was Edward Cullen. Every girl wanted him and he ignored every girl, until today. Sure, his flirty words were said in a bored tone that one would use while reading a textbook, but Jessica didn't give a flying fuck.

Jessica was giving herself mental fist pumps, because she was so very close to getting into Edward's pants. Hopefully, she'd have some quickly taken photographic proof to bring back to Lauren.

"Can you hurry up?" Edward complained, pulling Jessica's arm through the tangled weeds and crumbling headstones of the Fork's Memorial Cemetery. It should have been better maintained, but as anyone could have said, the governing body of the town was woefully inefficient.

"Isn't it a romantic night? Look at that full moo..." she starting saying, as Edward pulled her arm hard. "Ouch!"

"Sorry," he muttered.

All he wanted to do was eat something other than a fucking deer!

Honestly, Edward thought he was doing the world and himself a favor. Hearing this infant's dirty inner monologue and having to hear other's views of her, it was apparent it was his civic duty to suck her dry.

"Sit here!" Edward commanded, running his fingers through his hair.

Jessica giggled at his authoritative tone. Edward cringed at the lurid ideas in her head. He liked fluids, all right, but only the red kind.

He steadied himself and gently moved her hair away from her neck. Eating people was like riding a bike, Jasper had reminded him. Unfortunately, this bike was wearing horrendous perfume that made her precious blood reek like embalming fluid. He tried not to gag.

Also, the smell was not Jessica Stanley.

A hand had broken through the dirt of a freshly-dug grave. It was followed by the head of the newly-deceased Isabella Marie Swan, which popped out like a demented jack-in-the-box.

The poor child had been attacked by an animal of indeterminate origin. It may have been a bear, but Chief Charles Swan could have sworn his only child had been attacked by the wolves that had been seen in the area. Bella's best friend swore up and down that he'd seen the bear that attacked sweet Bella.

Jacob burped and had wicked indigestion the entire interview. That's what resulted from trying to eat your best friend. He was still inwardly cursing Sam for interrupting snack time.

At the moment, that really didn't matter. What did matter to the soon-to-be ill-fated citizens of Forks was that the city council – that paragon of inefficiency – had, in fact, given the thumbs up to toxic waste being stored at the cemetery. Toxic waste that seeped into the ground and was reviving corpses. Those rotting pieces of reanimated bones and flesh were popping up like daisies.

Her body inched slowly toward the heat coming off of young Jessica's body. It was hard to go fast after rigor mortis had set in.

It didn't matter, because when Captain Indecisive finally decided to take a bite of Jessica's neck, it gave Bella plenty of time to latch onto Jessica's head in a quest for brains. It was Edward and Bella's first dinner date.

Edward pulled up and began to say, "What are you d..."

He choked up when she stared at him, as she munched on Jessica's gray matter. He found her undead eyes bewitching. Her pale, bloodless flesh was so much like his own. Her smell was slightly off, but there was no pesky bloodlust to worry about. Edward Cullen had found his mate.

Bella thought she found dessert and tried to latch onto his copper tresses. She lost a tooth on his marble skull.

"It's all right, my beloved!" he cried. "I'll super glue it back in!"

Edward Cullen considered himself lucky, because she was a beauty. Obviously, true love made you see things through rose-colored glasses. He should have just been happy that she'd only been in the ground for a day. At least, she still had some flesh left on her. Old Mr. Cope was a crawling skeletal torso.

"Brains!" Bella moaned.

"Kisses!" Edward put his mouth on her with such passion that her top lip fell off and went into his mouth. Spitting it back into his hand, Edward added, "I'll just stitch this back on at home."

He lowered her down onto a grave and kissed her again on her remaining bottom lip. "We are mates, sweet…umm…Isabella? Right? You had Mr. Molina for homeroom?"

"Brains!" Bella was on a one-track quest.

"You _are_ Bella Swan! Anyway, I must take you now to seal our bond and our love!" He wanted to wait for marriage, but being a 109-year-old virgin made him incredibly horny.

It also should be pointed out that two of the undead making sweet undead love really negated having to put a ring on it.

Edward was a traditionalist, however. He would just have Carlisle perform a quickie ceremony after they fixed her lip.

"Brains!"

The girl just wanted to eat. She started chomping at Edward. He took that as her attempt to kiss him. He was most definitely not blessed with being street-smart.

"I love you so much!" Edward quickly thrust into her. His formative human years in the Victorian era taught him nothing about foreplay. He was also too much of a prude to watch Emmett's porn.

It really didn't concern Bella. Edward's penis was tiny. She didn't feel it at all. Bella was just hungry and there was a cold body bouncing on hers.

"Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!" Bella repeated over and over.

He thought she was having an orgasm. She was just demanding some more human flesh.

They finished quickly. He was a two-minute man.

Edward cuddled his Bella in his arms on the grave, as he listened to Jasper shooting zombies around them with his Civil War era musket. She stared blankly at the sky, still muttering about brains.

"I love you, baby." He kissed her cold, clammy skin.

"Brains," she moaned.

Never before had there been such an epic love, as Edward and his Isabella.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: To Livie.**

**Thank you, mauigirl60 for making this mess less messy.**

**Umm…Enjoy?**

Part 2

Taking home a new girlfriend was always a nerve-wracking endeavor, but Edward had brought home a zombie, which presented some complications.

"This is a horrible idea, son," Carlisle pointed out. His beloved son had a dog collar and leash around a dead girl's neck. She kept chomping at the air.

"Dad!" Edward whined. "I had to get her a leash. She kept wandering off!"

Carlisle wasn't talking about the leash. He was talking about his son kissing the undead.

"Edward, this isn't the best idea. She needs to be sent back to heaven in peace."

"Couldn't the same be said of us all?" Edward tugged on Bella's leash, as she tried to bite Carlisle's arm. "Baby, I don't want to have to glue in any more of your teeth."

Jasper wandered in slowly from outside. "Y'all know why we have more corpses running around the yard? I just took out six. Holy hell! Edward, why do you have one on a leash like a puppy?"

"She's going to be my wife!" Edward cried out happily.

"You are one messed up, kid." Jasper raised his Civil War-era revolver to take out the salivating Bella.

"I love her!" Edward cried, covering his beloved, who promptly tried to bite Edward's neck, thereby losing another tooth. Edward picked it up and looked at Carlisle with big, sad eyes. "Daddy! Please!"

Edward was known throughout the vampire world as a bossy, spoiled Daddy's boy. This time was no exception.

"Jasper, put down your gun and welcome your new sister," Carlisle said tiredly.

"Umm...hi?" Jasper said, wrinkling his nose. That corpse smelled ripe.

Edward led her to the couch, as Alice skipped in with super glue and a necklace, from which hung a sachet of potpourri.

"My vision didn't show her as dead, but we can make it work!" Alice trilled, as she set about repairing her new sister's choppers and making the dead girl smell like a floral bouquet. "The wedding is going to be lovely!"

Jasper knew his wife was the engineer of the crazy train, but her nuttiness was on full display – until Esme had her first look at her new daughter.

"Edward, she's so lovely! Can I make her a sandwich?" Esme asked happily.

"Mother, she eats brains," Edward explained.

"Carlisle, go to the hospital and fetch us some!"

"Mother, she likes them warm." Edward tried to stroke Bella's hair. She tried to bite his hand.

"The microwave! I never get to use it! This is perfect!" Esme jumped up and down, clapping.

Jasper was reconsidering joining these crazies. He'd be better off wandering the open road and snacking on hobos.

The rest of the introductions didn't go much better.

Emmett grabbed Bella's arm so hard to pull her in for a hug, causing it to fall off. Alice had to rush over and sew it back on. "Sorry, dude!"

"She's delicate! Like the sweetest of flowers!" Edward cried. It was more like rotting flowers.

Emmett looked out the window at the yard. The zombies ranged from freshly-made and others which were mostly skeletal, bits of flesh hanging off randomly. "You brought the whole gang, Hells Bells! Awesome!"

"Brains!" Bella stared at the wall. She was hungry. Again.

"What do you mean?" Edward asked.

"Dude, the zombies travel in packs! Don't you ever watch movies or play video games?" Emmett looked at Edward like he had three heads.

"I prefer reading Dickens and watching documentaries about spotted owls," Edward said in his very special prissy way.

"Douche!" Emmett gave him the finger and grabbed his BB gun from his backpack. "Off to play a living zombie video game! Best day ever!"

Rosalie had heard rumors of Edward's idiocy and went in to see the train wreck, as her husband rushed past screaming, "Operation kick ass!"

She took one look and said, "No fucking way!"

"This is my bride!" Edward said proudly.

Bella's tongue fell out as she tried to say, "Brains!"

"Alice, needle and thread!" Edward yelled.

"Edward, if this was a stupid short story, the author should be run out of the literary world," Rosalie pointed out with a grimace. "Since this is reality, you should be bludgeoned to death with her unattached arm."

"You're just jealous of her beauty!" Edward screamed.

Rosalie, at that moment, was very tempted to head out with Jasper to hunt some hobos. Unfortunately, she was about as fond of Cowboy Curls as Emo Ed and couldn't fathom him being her only companion. She was stuck where she was. Damn it!

Two weeks later, life with Bella was still an adventure of protecting the townsfolk and keeping her body parts together. It was tedious.

Luckily, for the brains-obsessed heroine, by the time of her nuptials, Alice had created something to make her look somewhat prettier. With a combination of spackle, Elmer's glue and just a touch of glitter for that vampire flair, Alice made Bella look like a vampire; or, more accurately, a mannequin. Edward thought it was lovely and had to carry her around bridal style wherever they went.

The ceremony itself was not very exciting. Bella tried to attack Carlisle as he read their vows. Edward finally got to demonstrate his ventriloquist abilities, as he moved her lips to say, "I do."

The reception was the real main event. Edward had found the perfect gift.

Jacob Black was tied up, gagged and wearing a red bow around his head. That would teach him to relive his account of maiming Bella repeatedly in his head.

Before Carlisle could protest, Bella leapt on her warm dinner.

Edward thought she was magnificent.

The rest of the wedding party became nauseous at the sight and slightly hungry at the smell of blood.

Unfortunately, Chief Charlie Swan was still mourning his little girl and was using zombies as anger management. At the sight of the glittery zombie eating Jacob, he didn't think twice as he shot the monster in the head.

Edward screamed, "My love!"

He grabbed her now official corpse. He ran toward the fireworks display that Alice had set up.

Alice stomped her foot. "How did I miss this?"

Lighting up one of the fireworks, he held it up in the air, holding his Bella in his arms. "Forever!"

He stuck the lit explosive in his mouth and his body was torn to pieces as it detonated.

XXXXXX

"What the hell?" I woke up with a jolt.

That had been a horrible dream; my internal narrator was an idiot.

I rubbed my eyes and looked up at the beautiful boy in my dreams. It was the gay kid who disappeared after I'd met him in biology. The poor kid must have finally come out of the closet.

What was he doing in my room?

"Hey, kid, what the fuck are you..."

He took my face and pulled me close. "You're so beautiful."

"Okay." Someone had boundary issues.

He sniffed my neck. Huh?

"You smell so good! I'm sorry." He bit me.

Motherfucker!

**AN: Don't get your panties in a bunch. There's one more!**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: For Livie, who I like so much that I'm posting this hot mess from my phone on vacation.**

**Thank you to mauigirl60 for her beta skills! Any mistakes? Blame the phone for it.**

**This is probably the dumbest story I've ever written, which is saying a lot. So... Enjoy?**

Part 3: Excerpts from the Diary of Isabella Marie Swan, Unsuccessful Vampire Slayer

_May 5_

"Stop it, Bella!" Edward screamed up at me. "It doesn't hurt."

I was high up in a tree. I shot him again with the fat kid's BB Gun.

The fat kid laughed next to me. Idiot.

"Hey, Jabba, can you get off my tree? I'm trying to shoot the gay kid and I don't want you to start breaking branches." I shot at Edward Prissy Pants again.

"I'm not gay, Bella!" he screamed at me again. Tell me that again when I haven't caught you staring at your pretty face in a mirror for fifteen minutes, Prissy Pantaloons.

"You know my name is Emmett, right?" I groaned and shot the fat kid with the BB gun in his forehead. He just chuckled. I was going to live forever with the brain-dead Brady Bunch. Kill me now. Wait...you can't.

I shot at Edward again. He stomped his feet and had his hands on his hips. It was temper tantrum time. "You're my mate! You have to listen to me! Carlisle!"

Lovely. Daddy's going to come out and yell at me again. Edward is a daddy's boy and Carlisle is an enabler who spoils him rotten. I will admit that I have a sneaking suspicion that Daddy Dearest has a secret love for his sweet boy which was thwarted by that pesky mating bullshit.

"Isabella, please stop trying to shoot Edward!" Carlisle admonished from the house. He was probably drawing illustrations of his baby boy. Naked.

I muttered, "Why don't you just make out with him, Big Poppa."

"I heard that," he complained. Maybe he would dock my allowance. "Isabella, please try to get along with your mate."

Asshole. There was no privacy in this place. Everything sounded like someone was talking into a megaphone. Let me tell you, after hearing Alice telling Colonel Sanders to ride her like a wild filly and Jabba begging for spankings with

"Prissy Pantaloons better watch himself before I take another lighter to him," I scoffed. Jabba laughed so hard that he fell off the tree.

I might start liking Jabba. He was amusing.

Prissy was stomping his foot. See, temper tantrum central. "You could have killed me! Look, you made scars!"

"It's no worse than Colonel Sanders." That poor guy was a littered in them. If you took a marker you could make pretty pictures out of them, which I tried. Unfortunately, my artistic endeavors weren't appreciated.

Edward held his arm out with a cry. "Just take a good look at them!"

Jesus, what a baby! Good thing he was hot. What?

"Boo hoo! You tried to eat me, asshole!" I shot at him again.

_Normally, one would imagine having the sexy, brooding kid from class sucking on your neck would be fantastic. However, the gay kid was killing me._

_Literally._

_I felt the blood drain from my body, as he made nasty slurping sounds. I would imagine turning a person into your human Slurpee would make you have some semblance of manners. Well, he had none and I sure as hell wasn't a tasty dessert beverage._

_This was insanely painful._

_I needed a weapon. A lethal bringer of death to the deranged dude sucking on my artery. Dad refused to give me a gun. My knife was buried in the attic, since I quit that random whittling hobby I'd picked up from being dragged to a class with my mother. So, I weakly reached underneath my pillow and grabbed a lighter. I had a secret smoking habit, but I swore I'd quit. Someday. This was Forks and there wasn't much to do but smoke and bitch about the weather._

_Luckily, at that time, I'd put off quitting and I lit that asshole's arm on fire._

_He pulled away hard. I could see my dark red blood drip onto my comforter. It didn't faze me much, partially due to the burning in my veins and the fact that I hated that purple floral monstrosity. That was what happened when the Chief picked out bedding for a girl, though it could have been worse. He almost got me the My Little Pony bedding._

_"Oh, my God! What did you do to me?" he screamed like a little girl._

_That would have been funny if I wasn't dying._

_I closed my eyes to embrace, hopefully, heaven's pearly gates._

Instead of heaven, I was stuck in a tree in my own version of hell. The Cullens were like a demonic Brady Bunch.

That was when I saw it and I aimed. The bullet breezed by Edward's ear.

"Ha! You missed!" he laughed happily.

"Did I?" I pointed behind him, Edward looked back and frowned.

I shot poor Tyler Crowley in the head. At least, what was left of Tyler Crowley. That boy made one hideous zombie, but he was a worse driver so at least he couldn't get behind the wheel anymore.

I jumped out of the tree and patted Edward's shoulder. "You're welcome, Prissy Pantaloons."

"He couldn't have hurt me."

"He would have gotten zombie guts on your pretty sweater." I winked at him. "You can thank me later."

He followed me as I went into the Cullen mansion. What a way to fit in, dumb assholes.

"Marry me?" he asked hopefully.

"Fuck off!"

_June 30_

"Bella, I warmed up a mug of blood." Esme was making me miss my neglectful mother. This lady wouldn't take a hint. "You have to eat, sweetheart."

I was on a hunger strike. Yes, I was being childish. No, I didn't care in the least.

Charlie was out with the rest of Forks' finest, shooting up zombies, while these idiots were standing around and staring at floating dust.

"Tell Dr. C that I'll eat when he brings my dad here for protection." I crossed my arms and lay down on the fluffy, white couch. With my shoes on. Take that!

"She's being stubborn again, Esme." Edward was hovering over me again. "You ate a hiker."

One tiny slip-up and I'd never hear the end of it! Plus, he tasted like patchouli, weed and stinky hippie. If that didn't turn you off humans, nothing would.

"Prissy, go play with your tiny nubbin somewhere else." I started trying to break a nail. Nothing. I hated undead nails. Way too long.

"It's not small!" He stomped his foot again.

I saw it like I'd seen the zombies.

The weird girl skipped in carrying a headless doll. "I see that Charlie will be just fine!"

"You didn't see the zombies, but I did." I couldn't help smiling as I watched her little face twist in rage.

"She did, Alice!" Jabba laughed. "Bells, we need to set up a psychic network for the poor citizens of Forks. We can make millions off their zombie fears."

Jabba was my best friend. It was frustrating, but true.

"I could be Washington State's answer to Madame Cleo!" I punched Jabba in the shoulder. "Dude, we'll be all-powerful!"

"Emmett. No!" Rosalie sashayed in with a beauty magazine, moved my feet and sat next to me. "You can't even concentrate on what to hunt for dinner."

"Damn it!" Jabba was a great pouter.

That was when we heard the scream.

Vampires barreled out the door, tumbling over one another and flying on top of each other like dominos.

It was Jacob Black who was screaming toward us. A wolf jumped on him and took a viscious bite out of his skull.

Flesh was dropping off of it and green pus was coming out of its nostrils.

"I want to research this!" Carlisle yelled in glee.

I tripped him.

Was he an idiot? That wasn't just any zombie, but it was a werewolf zombie.

I grabbed Colonel Sander's confederate pistol and shot the thing in the head. I then took out old Jake. He made dream me into a zombie after all.

Edward looked at me in shock. "You're a bloodthirsty little thing."

"Admit that it's hot, Prissy."

His eyes got all black and creepy. "Extremely."

I gave him a wink and headed back inside to watch cartoons.

Dad came to life and was terrified with us two days later. He smelled like me. I used to have an odor of stinky feet. Gross.

_August 6_

I spent the morning hidden in Esme's garden.

The zombies were being herded into containment camps for study. People were so stupid. I was listening to Charlie bitch and Carlisle get giddy over zombie dissection. They were like the odd couple.

Esme was trying to feed my father soup again.

"Bells! I caught another!" Jabba held up a squirming chipmunk.

I held up a vole. "You wanna trade, Emmett?"

We'd discovered that rodents were tastier than humans. Vampires were just too snobby to give it a shot.

Emmett and I discovered this accidentally when we dared each other to eat various animal life of questionable origin.

"We should start an extermination business," I said, munching on the squirming little varmint. He was adorable and oh, so yummy.

Jabba teased his vole before taking a nibble. "What if we bottle this delicious shit up and sell it to vampires? We would be kazillionnaires!"

"That's not a real number," I stated, laying my head in the grass and licking my fingers. The clouds looked like hamsters. I needed more tasty rodents.

All of a sudden, Edward's face - that I was reluctantly finding attractive - blocked my picturesque view.

"Please, tell me you aren't eating those bubonic plague carriers," he complained.

Jabba gave him the finger. "We're doing a public service!"

I reached into the ground and grabbed a squirming chippy and crammed it into Edward's mouth. He gagged on it and then sucked.

"This is delicious!" Edward was beaming.

One convert at a time.

_September 13_

Happy birthday to me!

Edward had dragged me to this damned meadow for a romantic picnic. The best part was the cage full of chipmunks. Delicious.

We sat on a blanket and I tried to ignore him stroking my hand.

"Bella..."

"I should just eat Lauren Mallory as a preventive measure," I said to distract him. "She's destined to become a zombie."

Also, I hated her.

"Bella," he murmured, ignoring me as I tried to concentrate on the lavender flowers at my toes. "I have strong feelings for you."

"Distaste?"

"No."

I looked at the sky. "Somewhat of an annoyance?"

"Love, Bella." He caressed my face.

"Oh." I took a deep breath. I was lonely and horny. His penis might be small like in my dream, but perhaps he knew how to use it. "Strip, Cullen."

I took off my shirt. I had bedazzled boobs. Edward looked like he was about to faint.

"Strip, Edward." I took off my shorts. "Chop, chop! We're literally not getting any older here, Buckaroo."

I watched him undress and bit my lip worriedly, but I had nothing to fear. He had one lengthy sparkle wand.

I kissed him. Hard. It wasn't unpleasant.

"Bella... I..."

I threw him down to ride him like a pony.

You know when some say it isn't the size, but how you use it?

Well, Edward was a perfect example.

He was truly a 17-year-old virgin in a 109-year-old vampire's body. Somebody needed to watch some porn and it wasn't me.

The various holes confused him.

He kept looking at my breasts and squeezing them like stress balls.

He lasted all of three minutes and six seconds. I counted.

Practice makes perfect, right?

"I love you, my Isabella." Edward kissed my temple. "Will you marry me?"

"I'll think about it."

We needed to work on that pesky sex first, before I committed to anything.

Then, I heard a groaning sound coming from the woods. I grabbed my pistol and shot Mike Newton in the head.

I wasn't certain if he was a zombie or just a jerking-off pervert. All that mattered was that was the last time Newton would see my nude ass.

"Zombie?" Edward asked.

I shrugged. "Pervert."

Fin.


End file.
